When I was being said that I was an emo girl...

This was written down on 31 Dec 2012. I was supposed to post it here early but I wrote down my feeling or thoughts on the note in my iPhone.

The moment of me, I had so many things to write... The story started with a new guy who I only know him for a few weeks.. His actions had somehow triggered my past memory when I was with my ex.. In the end, I lost my cool on him. Though I apologize to him immediately, it was already too late. What has done and had already done. I learnt my lesson.

This post is a reminder for me to keep my cool and put all the bad memories behind and I shall step forward to my brighter days ahead. Cheers.

"Honestly speaking, I am a negative and easily emo type of person. Having go through so many negative incidents. I believe that these negative incidents have helped me to grow up. 

In the past, I was rather a dependent person and knew that my mum would be always there for me. In fact, there are many things beyond our control. Right now, I believe that there is always a solution. Just up to you to decide to give up or persist on to get the problem solved. 

For me, I am negative but I am not afraid to face the obstacles. And believe that I can overcome any obstacles. 

Yes forgive me if I am emo. Emo is another way of relieve my stress or unhappiness. No one is perfect. Is how you handle your emo and get over it with a certain timeline.

This is me!

Sometime, you may think that the past is the past. However, you should know that when someone cut my heart with a knife. Even the wound is healed. A scar is still remained there. Scar is just a reminder for me to know that I learnt a lesson from there and not to repeat it again.

This is me!"

I do believe you and i are no different. Is how the way you handle your emo.. Cheerz. =)

Did I do wrongly?

Today is his birthday.. As promised, I rushed to attend his church service. I was supposed to meet the myanmar girl together to the church. She was overslept. In the end, I took train and she took cab.

During the church service, I could not sense the god existence as I found pretty annoying to sing songs. I prefer quiet environment to pray to the Lord Jesus God. From there, then I could find the peace. Too bad, I could not sense any peace at all. However, before the church service ended, there were many people who started to accept and sense the god's existence, Many of them cried in front of the stage. I was shocked to see this moment. I was glad that they found their moral support through the Lord Jesus God.

For me, I'm still not able to sense any god existence. Even though I been through a close shave to death.

After the church servcie, there were total 14 of us having lunch with him and celebrating his birthday. At the same time, he treated all of us lunch. In the middle of conversations, he mentioned that I still had not slept around 2am. I was abit shocked. I asked him back how he knew that. He said that because the god told him that. He said that he could not sleep early too because there were many birthday greetings from his friends. I guessed that he was hinting that I did not message him any greeting at all last night though I slept late. Before we ended the lunch, everyone of us passed him his birthday gifts, he seemed happy but tired. Then he asked if anyone wish to join him the KTV or bowling game after the lunch. The girl and I did not have the intention to join him after that. Both of us lied that we have had the appointment later. And I could see the disappointment from his facial expression.

Shortly after we separated, the girl and I chatted while walking towards the MRT. I felt quite guilt over telling her that how he had misled me and made me to dislike her. As we chatted more, I found that she is rather a sweet girl and many guys are wooing her. Perhaps, he had grown fond into her as they went out almost everyday after he met her. He could even walk her home to her doorstep which he has never done that to me. This means that he really like her but not me. I asked her if he confess to her, will she accept him. She said firmly, "No!". First, the religion is already an issue as she is buddhism and he is a stauch christian. Second, he should not keep meeting new girls. Third, he should not mislead me and deny that he has interested in her. All these made her feel that he is a complicated person.

We separated at the MRT station as a guy came to fetch her to go for dating. When I reached home, I was abit taken back that he messaged us that they did not go for any celebration but instead home to rest. I did not chat much with him because I know that I am his backup. I hate to be someone's backup plus I do not want to try another ride of "roller coaster". The past few weeks were enough for me. 1 month of constant messaging between him and I have ended. I feel great that I can let go this stupid feeling.

If I am the one that cause you to lose her. I am sorry. I was just being franked to her how you have been misleading me.

I do hope that you can be faithful and honest to your only girl but not keep messaging another girl behind your only girl.

Hate to say that Hypocrite exists in my life

After a good night chat with the Myanmar girl, I found that he is a big liar.. Definitely, a flirty guy too. He could twist and turn his words. All these while, my state of mind and feeling were being played like a roller coaster. He is such a big-hearted, devoted Christian and honest guy who can be such a big liar. Luckily, I did not join the “fun” as he had hinted me to take the initiative to date him.

Due to the chat, I can finally let go of this stupid feeling. He does not worth for me to have this stupid feeling. I do hope that he can be truthful to the next girl but not keep on misleading the innocent parties.

I am glad that I back to my normal self and not keep on thinking of this stupid idiot bastard jerk. Please forgive my crude words. He does not deserve for me to say nice things about him. 

I love myself even more after this incident. 

If you are kind hearted person, no matter what religion you are. You are deserved to be an angel after life. 

Zero Response

My mind is still bothering by his replies.. He ended "I mean it, I will not interfere". His replies are still so hurtful to me. I do not know whether my replies to him too.. Right now, I still miss his initiation of messaging me. This coming Sunday is his Birthday. He requested me to go to his church service on that day and treat him birthday lunch. However, since the quarrel, we are not messaging anymore. Should I honor my word? I do not know. Come to think, perhaps this is only my one-sided love. 

Sad.. I want to get over it asap.. I really feel like stoning.. So that I won't be soo bothered about it.

Another argument due to his religious!

Last night, we had a slight argument over the belief in his religious. All these while, I understand that he has been good intention by asking me to open my heart and give his god a chance to accept his existence. However, I rejected his kind intention due to the fact that I still could not open my heart to any of the god yet. He became defensive and said that I had doubt in his intention. We quarreled via the Whatsapp. I felt upset and pissed over his offensive words. Though he apologized, his apology was not sincere at all. Since then, we have not messaged yet. 

Shortly after, I posted a comment in FB. Hoping that he would see it and understand that sometime, thing cannot be rushed. Stating that "Losing cool does not help at all. Learnt to stay calm". But I guessed he missed my comment. Even he saw it, he could not understand it too. I also noticed that he went for a run after our argument. He ran longer and faster. I ever mentioned to him that when I am angry or in trouble, I prefer to run or swim because from there, I can find my peace. I believe he is doing the same too. I do hope that he can find his peace from there. 

After this argument, I tend to understand him more. He is a defensive, quick tempered and MC guy though he can be lame, smart and humorous. I am scared because I found that my emotion is easily affected by him. Example, when he told me that he knew a new girl or out with the same girl repeatedly, I tend to be jealous over it. Right now, I feel sad. Sometime, I do wish that I can be like a stone. Because becoming a stone, I have no feeling at all.

Honestly, I do not know how he feels about me. All I know it is better to stay in friends now. Though I admit, I have crush on him.