Another similar day of work..

It has been a long time since the last blog. I need a place to “burst” out my feeling.. sometimes,  I can’t stand the people that I worked with. They can simply said my fault. Even I complaint to my superior. She will not side us because she has no stand. I feel sooo tired and sick of working with them. All they have to do is to complain to my big boss. Worst to come is my big boss believe their side of story and never care to listen our side of story. Yes I know why, just because we are small fries. Many times, I want to tender but reality stops me. Sad to say, I was not borne in silver spoon.

I should have changed to another job long ago. I tried many years but still, I don’t have the luck to get another job. Yes lazy is the only excuse. My heart has already “ died” of keep finding and sending resume to every companies. I know possibility counts. However, I been doing the same thing again and again almost every day since I graduate for years.

No big deal for me being a UNI graduate as it makes no different from others who have no cert. All you need to have is get your superior recognizes. The cert is just a stepping stone to help you to get your job easier. Too bad for me I have cert but I don’t have the lady luck to be on my side. Or i am just being stupid and lazy.

What I hope for is to switch to a better job and decent pay with good superior recognize. Since now, my life is not easy but I will survive strong.

When I was being said that I was an emo girl...

This was written down on 31 Dec 2012. I was supposed to post it here early but I wrote down my feeling or thoughts on the note in my iPhone.

The moment of me, I had so many things to write... The story started with a new guy who I only know him for a few weeks.. His actions had somehow triggered my past memory when I was with my ex.. In the end, I lost my cool on him. Though I apologize to him immediately, it was already too late. What has done and had already done. I learnt my lesson.

This post is a reminder for me to keep my cool and put all the bad memories behind and I shall step forward to my brighter days ahead. Cheers.

"Honestly speaking, I am a negative and easily emo type of person. Having go through so many negative incidents. I believe that these negative incidents have helped me to grow up. 

In the past, I was rather a dependent person and knew that my mum would be always there for me. In fact, there are many things beyond our control. Right now, I believe that there is always a solution. Just up to you to decide to give up or persist on to get the problem solved. 

For me, I am negative but I am not afraid to face the obstacles. And believe that I can overcome any obstacles. 

Yes forgive me if I am emo. Emo is another way of relieve my stress or unhappiness. No one is perfect. Is how you handle your emo and get over it with a certain timeline.

This is me!

Sometime, you may think that the past is the past. However, you should know that when someone cut my heart with a knife. Even the wound is healed. A scar is still remained there. Scar is just a reminder for me to know that I learnt a lesson from there and not to repeat it again.

This is me!"

I do believe you and i are no different. Is how the way you handle your emo.. Cheerz. =)

Did I do wrongly?

Today is his birthday.. As promised, I rushed to attend his church service. I was supposed to meet the myanmar girl together to the church. She was overslept. In the end, I took train and she took cab.

During the church service, I could not sense the god existence as I found pretty annoying to sing songs. I prefer quiet environment to pray to the Lord Jesus God. From there, then I could find the peace. Too bad, I could not sense any peace at all. However, before the church service ended, there were many people who started to accept and sense the god's existence, Many of them cried in front of the stage. I was shocked to see this moment. I was glad that they found their moral support through the Lord Jesus God.

For me, I'm still not able to sense any god existence. Even though I been through a close shave to death.

After the church servcie, there were total 14 of us having lunch with him and celebrating his birthday. At the same time, he treated all of us lunch. In the middle of conversations, he mentioned that I still had not slept around 2am. I was abit shocked. I asked him back how he knew that. He said that because the god told him that. He said that he could not sleep early too because there were many birthday greetings from his friends. I guessed that he was hinting that I did not message him any greeting at all last night though I slept late. Before we ended the lunch, everyone of us passed him his birthday gifts, he seemed happy but tired. Then he asked if anyone wish to join him the KTV or bowling game after the lunch. The girl and I did not have the intention to join him after that. Both of us lied that we have had the appointment later. And I could see the disappointment from his facial expression.

Shortly after we separated, the girl and I chatted while walking towards the MRT. I felt quite guilt over telling her that how he had misled me and made me to dislike her. As we chatted more, I found that she is rather a sweet girl and many guys are wooing her. Perhaps, he had grown fond into her as they went out almost everyday after he met her. He could even walk her home to her doorstep which he has never done that to me. This means that he really like her but not me. I asked her if he confess to her, will she accept him. She said firmly, "No!". First, the religion is already an issue as she is buddhism and he is a stauch christian. Second, he should not keep meeting new girls. Third, he should not mislead me and deny that he has interested in her. All these made her feel that he is a complicated person.

We separated at the MRT station as a guy came to fetch her to go for dating. When I reached home, I was abit taken back that he messaged us that they did not go for any celebration but instead home to rest. I did not chat much with him because I know that I am his backup. I hate to be someone's backup plus I do not want to try another ride of "roller coaster". The past few weeks were enough for me. 1 month of constant messaging between him and I have ended. I feel great that I can let go this stupid feeling.

If I am the one that cause you to lose her. I am sorry. I was just being franked to her how you have been misleading me.

I do hope that you can be faithful and honest to your only girl but not keep messaging another girl behind your only girl.

Hate to say that Hypocrite exists in my life

After a good night chat with the Myanmar girl, I found that he is a big liar.. Definitely, a flirty guy too. He could twist and turn his words. All these while, my state of mind and feeling were being played like a roller coaster. He is such a big-hearted, devoted Christian and honest guy who can be such a big liar. Luckily, I did not join the “fun” as he had hinted me to take the initiative to date him.

Due to the chat, I can finally let go of this stupid feeling. He does not worth for me to have this stupid feeling. I do hope that he can be truthful to the next girl but not keep on misleading the innocent parties.

I am glad that I back to my normal self and not keep on thinking of this stupid idiot bastard jerk. Please forgive my crude words. He does not deserve for me to say nice things about him. 

I love myself even more after this incident. 

If you are kind hearted person, no matter what religion you are. You are deserved to be an angel after life. 

Zero Response

My mind is still bothering by his replies.. He ended "I mean it, I will not interfere". His replies are still so hurtful to me. I do not know whether my replies to him too.. Right now, I still miss his initiation of messaging me. This coming Sunday is his Birthday. He requested me to go to his church service on that day and treat him birthday lunch. However, since the quarrel, we are not messaging anymore. Should I honor my word? I do not know. Come to think, perhaps this is only my one-sided love. 

Sad.. I want to get over it asap.. I really feel like stoning.. So that I won't be soo bothered about it.

Another argument due to his religious!

Last night, we had a slight argument over the belief in his religious. All these while, I understand that he has been good intention by asking me to open my heart and give his god a chance to accept his existence. However, I rejected his kind intention due to the fact that I still could not open my heart to any of the god yet. He became defensive and said that I had doubt in his intention. We quarreled via the Whatsapp. I felt upset and pissed over his offensive words. Though he apologized, his apology was not sincere at all. Since then, we have not messaged yet. 

Shortly after, I posted a comment in FB. Hoping that he would see it and understand that sometime, thing cannot be rushed. Stating that "Losing cool does not help at all. Learnt to stay calm". But I guessed he missed my comment. Even he saw it, he could not understand it too. I also noticed that he went for a run after our argument. He ran longer and faster. I ever mentioned to him that when I am angry or in trouble, I prefer to run or swim because from there, I can find my peace. I believe he is doing the same too. I do hope that he can find his peace from there. 

After this argument, I tend to understand him more. He is a defensive, quick tempered and MC guy though he can be lame, smart and humorous. I am scared because I found that my emotion is easily affected by him. Example, when he told me that he knew a new girl or out with the same girl repeatedly, I tend to be jealous over it. Right now, I feel sad. Sometime, I do wish that I can be like a stone. Because becoming a stone, I have no feeling at all.

Honestly, I do not know how he feels about me. All I know it is better to stay in friends now. Though I admit, I have crush on him. 

Does God exist?

Does god really exist? I do not know because I can’t sense his existence. I am an atheist after my mum’s incident. He is a Christian and he baptized only 3 years ago. We had a slight argument over this belief yesterday. He had difficulties to convince me over the god existence. He mentioned “My heart is closed, the god will not force his way into it” and I should learn to open. The problem is that I need to be convinced before I can accept the god existence. I found that relying on god is more like a moral support. Right now, I do lack of this moral support. However, many things make me disappointed in all gods. Hence, that leads me to become an atheist.

I also come to know that He is a staunch Christian, will want his spouse to be a Christian too. So I am just simply thinking too much over his over-friendly friendship. I need to learn to keep a distance from him so that I won’t have too much affection from him.

Right now, my concerns are career and future. It has been so long, I never really pray to God..  Because I fear of disappointments. If I really pray to him sincerely, will my pray be answered?

Do i really like him?

Last night, I was so upset and angry over someone. This someone is who I know him through a social application. I approached him first to ask about the voluntary work. Soon after we met up to do the voluntary work. Thereafter, we have been messaging each other via whatsapp everyday. Most of the times, he will be the one who initiates the conversation via whatsapp.

Yesterday, was a good weather to run. He is the someone who motivates me to get back to my running. Hence, I message him about the good weather and will run after I knocked off.

He seem busy to reply me. I asked him and he replied frankly that he was with the Myanmar girl who he knew only a few days. This Myanmar girl took the initiative to cook lunch for him on CNY day 1 and accompanied him to Hongbao River.  Now they were dating for coffee and movie. In order not to let him knew that I was indeed angry over what he had told me earlier that he has no feeling for her and now he was dating her. I ended message with happy dating and shall not disturb both of them. At that moment, I felt soo cheated. I almost teared. I complaint to my best sister.. I went to run after I knocked off. I tried to make myself forget all the stupid feelings but all seem so difficult.

Close to 10pm, I believed that he had already sent her home after the movie. He messaged me again. I was soo pissed over him and I tried to push him in a way to stop denying that he has no feeling for her. I was soo upset that I almost lost my cool. Indeed I did lost abit of cool, he was trying hard to cool me down by distracting other topics and telling me jokes. We chatted till quite long till we like arguing. However, things were cooled down very fast.

Still I am not happy with it. I do not know whether am I just infatuation with him. Or I really like him in just a short period of time. I know that I am simply jealous over it.

My New Year 2013 resolutions

Times really flies..Yesterday just ended the last day in December of Year 2012.

Flashing back, though there were sadness and happiness in year 2012, still it was a fulfillment year for me as compared in year 2011.

In year 2012, I managed to learn diving and get an open water diving licence. In addition, I got to know many nice single female friends through forum. From there, I learnt to know that there are many things for me to explore and understand the outside world. It indeed open my mind to welcome many new knowledge about the actual practical world.

Besides that, I got to know myself better. I have to learn how to let go the past, and move forwards positively to reach my goals with courage and confident.

Hence, in my year 2013.. My new year resolutions do not really change much:


1. Switch to a new job with higher pay and good career prospect

2. Attend a course for future needs / Learn more foreign languages

3. Lose weight till 44-45kg

4. Widen my social circle

5. Brush up my English especially in communication

6. Be Confident

7. Maintain my eyesight degree

8. Able to be debted-free

9. Able to go holiday twice a year

10. Build my health

Reasons:

1. My very first new year resolution is always the same until I found a job with high pay and career prospect. I know that many think that I am not actively find a job. I need to give myself a break and then, give myself a pat so as to push myself to find the job again though I have been finding it for quite some time with no luck in getting one yet.

2. Learning foreign language is always my dream. Right now, I am self-learning of korean language. Hoping that I can solo travel to Korea in this year. Further to learn Spanish as I know that spanish is one of the common language covered in most parts of the Europe. I do hope i can travel to Europe in near future.

3. Losing weight is to keep reminding myself that I should always stay fit and confident in my outer appearance. What i always believe, there is no ugly woman but only a lazy woman. Loser to be a lazy woman..

4. Widen my social circle is always something i am doing it right now since year 2012. I need to know more people that maybe in near future or in long run, one of these people might come into used in my job or anything.

5. Yes. Brushing up my English. I should look for friends who only speak english. I am working hard now too.

6. Confident. Currently, i am lacked of confident partly because of my previous experience and i have no job satisficaton. I need more confident to make myself move on to my goals or dreams

7. Eyesight degree.. No more spectables for me. I do not want to be friend with them anymore. Everyday i will remind myself to give my eyes a break.. Though i understand that the degree will deteriote as my age grow. Still i want to make it as slow as possible. Good luck to me..

8. Debted-free.. I believe everyone of us would hope to be a debted-free person. Same goes for me. I want to retire with Debted-Free, Assets Rich and Cash Rich woman.

9. Traveling is always my passion. I hope this year that i can travel to Korea and many more other countries.

10. Health. I need to build my health because there are too many people reminded me that i look pale. I need to relax and let go the past, and stop thinking too much so as to treat my insonmia.

Hopefully, this year 2013 will be a great fulfillment for me. Especially, changing a better job with good pay and career prospect.

Good luck to me. =)